So, I heard that I need to write more on here, or y'all will stop reading. Is that right? I didn't realize this was going to be a full time job. :) kidding, not kidding. I truly didn't realize that I'd need to write so often. I just thought I'd do what I usually do which is just to start rambling as usual when something stressful, or beautiful, or moving happens to me.
Well, if you must know, I've had a beautiful day so far. It is my Lovey's birthday! Happy 42nd Dummy! And I took the day off to celebrate him...alone...with the house to myself because he's at work. 😁 <-----These Google emoji's are weird! Anyway, I had something to do this morning and now the rest of my day will be all about Jim! Kidding...again. I plan on napping and writing and researching and napping, and coloring and I guess I'll make him some damn cookies too. Did you know that I HATE baking? I do. I really do. That's how much I love this man, this hero of mine. I will bake him a special birthday treat! He deserves it because he is the best person. In the history. Of persons.
Should I get personal now? If I want you to keep reading and if I want you to want to read my book someday then maybe I should start my story here? I write when I'm stressed. I write when I'm angry. I write when something moves me. I write when I FEEL. Writing my thoughts and experiences and feelings is therapy to me. Most times, I can't shut my brain down until I purge myself of the story, the words, that come into my head and race and spin until they are out. On January 25, 2013, my life changed. My attitude changed. I temporarily went numb and lost the ability to care. On January 25, 2013, I was blindsided by my cancer diagnosis. I went to see my gynecologist for my post-op appointment--I had had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to try and figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant and why the fertility drugs I had tried hadn't worked. This out-patient procedure had been the last and most invasive step in our years long fertility struggle so far. Dr. Wellman had told Jim and I immediately after the surgery that it had gone very well. He had removed some very large polyps that were so big in fact that they were pushing my fallopian tubes closed-- hence blocking any potential swimmer friends from getting to my uterus and most likely the reason I wasn't getting pregnant after seemingly resolving everything else along the way i.e. hypothyroidism, polycystic ovaries, bicornuate uterus, I mean, it was just one thing after another. And so when he said, the polyp removal was a great sign and that I could in fact have children in his opinion, I was ecstatic. Jim was ecstatic. Bones didn't care. 😋
I cringe when I think about how I bounced back into the exam room and chattered happily with the nurse who was pulling out the stitches in my belly about how I was so excited to start this new journey and how I couldn't wait to talk to Dr. Wellman and finally get this show on the road. I would later realize that what I thought was just her concentrating on those stitches at the time, was actually probably the sorrow she felt for me because she knew what was coming. I beat myself up for a long time about that. About what an idiot I was for being so excited and so blubbering before I knew. And for a long time, I told myself "That's what you get Sarah. That's what you get for thinking the best was going to happen. That's what you get for thinking positive." But now I realize, that's just how I'm wired. I will always look to the positive and the bright side. I will always have the silver lining trying to show me where it's at. At first I didn't though. Most of 2013 was a dark and rough time for me. It brought so many emotions that I was not used to feeling. When I heard "You have stage 1 Endometrial Cancer"...What? What did you say? Tears come to my eyes now as I write this and remember that moment. I was there alone. I thought this was a routine, happy ending post op appointment, so JIm hadn't come with me. Dr. Wellman handed me a tissue because he saw the tears welling up as I stared at him. "It's small and it's stage 1, so you will be fine. You will be ok. We will fix this, and after 3 months of treatment, you will have another hysteroscopy and D&C to make sure you're all clear and then we'll talk a baby plan." He was kind and sympathetic as I sat there kind of listening, but mostly thinking about how I had to go back to work and tell my Lovey. He told me they had already set me up with an appointment on February 6th to see an oncologist in St. Louis. "He's one of the best in the nation." "But why do I have to go to St. Louis?" "Because he's the best, and you're too young to have Endometrial cancer (side note: most women who get Endometrial cancer are 65 or older. I was 33 at this time) , and he's a gynecological oncologist, and he's your best bet if you still want to have children." He's a wonderful, compassionate doctor and he will always be that to me because he saw me through this trial. It wouldn't turn out to be as simple as he first thought, but he is a wonderful, compassionate, funny, caring doctor and so is his nurse (and my favorite nurse Laurie).
I left in a fog. I drove back to work on autopilot and went straight to Jim's office. He looked up and knew something was wrong when I shut the door behind me. He walked to me and I stood there and looked at him. He put his hands on my shoulders "What?" he asked. "They found cancer." This was the first time I had to tell somebody that. And it sucked. Jim hugged me tight and cried with me. We called in Maria, the office manager to come in. They all knew why I had left to go to the appointment.--Routine post op. Our co-workers had been excited for us when we had told them the surgery had gone well and we were on our way to starting a family. She was so kind when I told her. And she assumed Jim and I would be going home. For some reason, I insisted on finishing out my work day. I went back up to my office, told Marcus, the owner and my office mate and then I went back to my desk and finished my job. That seems crazy to me now. How? Why didn't I go home? I think it must have been shock. This was a Friday. I've been a writer for as long as I can remember. As I said earlier, I write when I feel. I didn't feel anything. In fact, here is my journal entry from that day:
That's it. I had nothing else to say. Luckily, 5 days later I started a new journal. And it became my therapy through this. And some other time, I will share some of those writings with you. But today, this is enough. I've not really shared this much about that day before. And 4 1/2 years later I am still so very THANKFUL. My journey to motherhood was quite incredible. I think it's finally time for me to share it.
I hope I haven't completely bored you. And I hope you'll come back. Thank you for reading!
XOXO
Sarah
Well, if you must know, I've had a beautiful day so far. It is my Lovey's birthday! Happy 42nd Dummy! And I took the day off to celebrate him...alone...with the house to myself because he's at work. 😁 <-----These Google emoji's are weird! Anyway, I had something to do this morning and now the rest of my day will be all about Jim! Kidding...again. I plan on napping and writing and researching and napping, and coloring and I guess I'll make him some damn cookies too. Did you know that I HATE baking? I do. I really do. That's how much I love this man, this hero of mine. I will bake him a special birthday treat! He deserves it because he is the best person. In the history. Of persons.
Should I get personal now? If I want you to keep reading and if I want you to want to read my book someday then maybe I should start my story here? I write when I'm stressed. I write when I'm angry. I write when something moves me. I write when I FEEL. Writing my thoughts and experiences and feelings is therapy to me. Most times, I can't shut my brain down until I purge myself of the story, the words, that come into my head and race and spin until they are out. On January 25, 2013, my life changed. My attitude changed. I temporarily went numb and lost the ability to care. On January 25, 2013, I was blindsided by my cancer diagnosis. I went to see my gynecologist for my post-op appointment--I had had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to try and figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant and why the fertility drugs I had tried hadn't worked. This out-patient procedure had been the last and most invasive step in our years long fertility struggle so far. Dr. Wellman had told Jim and I immediately after the surgery that it had gone very well. He had removed some very large polyps that were so big in fact that they were pushing my fallopian tubes closed-- hence blocking any potential swimmer friends from getting to my uterus and most likely the reason I wasn't getting pregnant after seemingly resolving everything else along the way i.e. hypothyroidism, polycystic ovaries, bicornuate uterus, I mean, it was just one thing after another. And so when he said, the polyp removal was a great sign and that I could in fact have children in his opinion, I was ecstatic. Jim was ecstatic. Bones didn't care. 😋
I cringe when I think about how I bounced back into the exam room and chattered happily with the nurse who was pulling out the stitches in my belly about how I was so excited to start this new journey and how I couldn't wait to talk to Dr. Wellman and finally get this show on the road. I would later realize that what I thought was just her concentrating on those stitches at the time, was actually probably the sorrow she felt for me because she knew what was coming. I beat myself up for a long time about that. About what an idiot I was for being so excited and so blubbering before I knew. And for a long time, I told myself "That's what you get Sarah. That's what you get for thinking the best was going to happen. That's what you get for thinking positive." But now I realize, that's just how I'm wired. I will always look to the positive and the bright side. I will always have the silver lining trying to show me where it's at. At first I didn't though. Most of 2013 was a dark and rough time for me. It brought so many emotions that I was not used to feeling. When I heard "You have stage 1 Endometrial Cancer"...What? What did you say? Tears come to my eyes now as I write this and remember that moment. I was there alone. I thought this was a routine, happy ending post op appointment, so JIm hadn't come with me. Dr. Wellman handed me a tissue because he saw the tears welling up as I stared at him. "It's small and it's stage 1, so you will be fine. You will be ok. We will fix this, and after 3 months of treatment, you will have another hysteroscopy and D&C to make sure you're all clear and then we'll talk a baby plan." He was kind and sympathetic as I sat there kind of listening, but mostly thinking about how I had to go back to work and tell my Lovey. He told me they had already set me up with an appointment on February 6th to see an oncologist in St. Louis. "He's one of the best in the nation." "But why do I have to go to St. Louis?" "Because he's the best, and you're too young to have Endometrial cancer (side note: most women who get Endometrial cancer are 65 or older. I was 33 at this time) , and he's a gynecological oncologist, and he's your best bet if you still want to have children." He's a wonderful, compassionate doctor and he will always be that to me because he saw me through this trial. It wouldn't turn out to be as simple as he first thought, but he is a wonderful, compassionate, funny, caring doctor and so is his nurse (and my favorite nurse Laurie).
I left in a fog. I drove back to work on autopilot and went straight to Jim's office. He looked up and knew something was wrong when I shut the door behind me. He walked to me and I stood there and looked at him. He put his hands on my shoulders "What?" he asked. "They found cancer." This was the first time I had to tell somebody that. And it sucked. Jim hugged me tight and cried with me. We called in Maria, the office manager to come in. They all knew why I had left to go to the appointment.--Routine post op. Our co-workers had been excited for us when we had told them the surgery had gone well and we were on our way to starting a family. She was so kind when I told her. And she assumed Jim and I would be going home. For some reason, I insisted on finishing out my work day. I went back up to my office, told Marcus, the owner and my office mate and then I went back to my desk and finished my job. That seems crazy to me now. How? Why didn't I go home? I think it must have been shock. This was a Friday. I've been a writer for as long as I can remember. As I said earlier, I write when I feel. I didn't feel anything. In fact, here is my journal entry from that day:
That's it. I had nothing else to say. Luckily, 5 days later I started a new journal. And it became my therapy through this. And some other time, I will share some of those writings with you. But today, this is enough. I've not really shared this much about that day before. And 4 1/2 years later I am still so very THANKFUL. My journey to motherhood was quite incredible. I think it's finally time for me to share it.
I hope I haven't completely bored you. And I hope you'll come back. Thank you for reading!
XOXO
Sarah
Love you. -CF
ReplyDeletexoxo
😘. That's a kissy face emoji in case you can't see it! Xoxo
DeleteI will definitely read your blog! Im looking forward to it, even if my comments dont get published! ☺
ReplyDeleteI see your comments Dolly! Thank you for reading! ❤️
Delete