It's Christmas time and my mind's all aflutter. I LOVE this time of year. The magic. The excitement through my son's eyes. The soothing glow of the lights that is so comforting when you turn off all the other lights except for those on the tree and mantle. The wood stacked next to the fireplace. The warmth of that fire that my husband lights whenever I request it. It's truly magic.
I used to dread it. I used to feel like I was never enough, like I never had enough to give, like the pressure of the season was going to force me to implode. I am so grateful that I'm not there anymore. That I can appreciate now what seemed like too much in the past. This write is about how I learned, and am still learning to manage the doubt, loss, and pressure inside of me. These are not the most up-lifting things, but they are a part of me and I think it's important to share. Because I am happy. I am content. I like to let my light shine. But these positive feelings don't come without work. That work for me is letting myself grieve what I need to grieve and allowing myself to respect my losses. Nobody likes to talk about loss. I totally get that. But for me, some of the big losses I have experienced have made me the woman I am. I have learned from all of them and where some of the losses still leave voids in me, I through my life, slowly fill the hollows with one huge thing and that is GRATEFULNESS.
The GRATEFULNESS brings out my glow, my happy, my peace. There is not a single day that I don't think about the house full of children I wanted. I let myself mourn that dream that will never be and I respect that it's significant to me. And then I turn it into thankfulness that I have Keaton. Every single day I think about how my Keaton will not have the siblings I so desperately wanted for him and I respect that it makes me sad. And then I am grateful that he's ok anyway. He's happy, he's healthy, he's got a family that loves him and he won't know the loss that I feel for him. I mourn relationships I've lost throughout my life. Some that have left me sad and disappointed, and some that have left me relieved and better. But, I also think daily about how I would not be me without those relationships. I've learned and I am stronger. I grieve for feelings I've hurt and mistakes I've made, but by acknowledging them, it allows me to keep moving on.
You see me and you see the life I've made. You see happy pictures and hopefully the LOVE I feel for my family and friends pouring out of me. I feel so lucky. Because I DID make this life. And I am HAPPY. However, it doesn't just come easy. Because some days, my mind races with insecurities, doubt, and loss. Some days I replay over and over something I said that someone might have taken the wrong way and how I should've done or said differently. Some days these agitations that are hard to turn off come out as snippy mean remarks to Jim, or screaming explosions at my precious Keats. Some days the guilt I feel for just wanting to have 30 minutes to just lay there and not be touched and just try to calm my mind consumes me. Because I have this beautiful life that I always wanted, so why do I feel this urge to just be away from it sometimes? Why am I sometimes SO overwhelmed that my chest hurts and tears threaten to burst from my eyes? I don't have my Christmas shopping done yet. Nothing is wrapped. I haven't grocery shopped. Keats' hasn't had a bath since Monday. I pushed Bonesy off my lap yesterday because I needed to not feel trapped. There is clutter everywhere. There's a 98% possibility that I'm not going to get my Christmas cards out this year because I'm not sure I can get it done amongst the flood of other tasks running in my mind. I just have to be ok with that.
I have learned to listen to myself. It's what makes me a better woman. I have recently taught myself to acknowledge what is happening and to try to breathe through it. I acknowledge that I am feeling consumed and I just take a step back. This has helped. I show this mental pain the acknowledgement it craves, I curse it, and then I am grateful that I recognized it and made it through. I feel like it's still so taboo to talk about stuff like this. Sometimes I get really pissed over petty, stupid shit. And I cuss. Those that know me, know I like my cusses. It's part of a release for me. Sometimes I scream bad words REAL LOUD. I recognize that I need that as therapy. I think I like to call it emotional bursting. I need to let that emotional burst out. It's like relieving the pressure. I have to take a pill every day to help me manage. So what? It helps me. Some days I have to pop a Xanax to quiet my mind. It's ok. I have tried to not take medication before. I've actually gone years without it because of the shame I felt for needing it. But, in my happy place now, I see that it was a disservice to myself. It was exhausting when it didn't need to be. I should've cut myself some slack. But again, I think about it, I learned from it, and I am smarter now because in the true story of things, it's just another part of life that taught me and led me to the contentment I feel now.
I guess my point is nobody has this perfect, cookie cutter life. Definitely not me. My life is fantastic to me. I LOVE the life I am leading. Some days are harder than others, and some days require more work. I give myself grace now. I am FREE now. I hope people reading this, can find comfort in that. Everyone experiences sadness and loss. I have found for me, that acknowledging it, respecting it, and grieving it, has made me a better, truer, person. I go to the gym 5 mornings a week and sweat and push my body harder than I ever have before which is also an excellent release because it hurts so good. When my type A tries to get the best of me, I say to myself "SarBear, take a breath. It's still ok if it's not perfect.". When we are at Grandma's Christmas party in Decatur which is the 3rd night in a row we've had something to do after a full day of work and there are people everywhere, and I feel like a bad mom because I yelled at Keats not to eat a cookie off the nursing home floor, and I'm angry because they didn't have lids and straws to accommodate for me forgetting Keaton's sippy cup and then he spills his water and somehow completely drenches his shirt AND pants and then there are no extra pants in his bag, and I spend 25 minutes in Grandma's room with the blow dryer so that we can go back down to the party. And I am fighting back anxiety rage and I am breathing and I then I see how much fun Keats is having running around the room in his underwear with his cousin Pheebee, and how Phee is having just as much fun with him and how much she is helping me out just by being there to play with him. I am Grateful. I am Grateful to be able to find the joy and a reason for reflection in my weakest moments. It's about finding what works for you. For me, it all comes down to respecting my losses and in turn ALWAYS finding a way to be grateful.
As I finish this up, Keaton just brought me an avocado. I kissed him and told him thank you even though I know that in order to get it, he had to climb onto the chair and onto the table to reach it hanging from the top basket. I said "Keaton! Thank you for this avocado!" and he said "No Mommy. Das a dinosaur egg." This my darlings is JOY.
Merry Days to All!!! Happy Everything!!! Celebrate!!! Learn as you go!!! Be Thankful!!! Find Joy!!!
And p.s. You know what else I mourn? My thick, bushy, dark eyebrows I had in my younger years. You know, the ones that I plucked and plucked to get a tiny, sleek, thin brow? Yeah, I grieve those eyebrows. BUT, people, I am thankful that at least there's still something up there! Even if I do find crazy grays and have to color in a bit. :)
I used to dread it. I used to feel like I was never enough, like I never had enough to give, like the pressure of the season was going to force me to implode. I am so grateful that I'm not there anymore. That I can appreciate now what seemed like too much in the past. This write is about how I learned, and am still learning to manage the doubt, loss, and pressure inside of me. These are not the most up-lifting things, but they are a part of me and I think it's important to share. Because I am happy. I am content. I like to let my light shine. But these positive feelings don't come without work. That work for me is letting myself grieve what I need to grieve and allowing myself to respect my losses. Nobody likes to talk about loss. I totally get that. But for me, some of the big losses I have experienced have made me the woman I am. I have learned from all of them and where some of the losses still leave voids in me, I through my life, slowly fill the hollows with one huge thing and that is GRATEFULNESS.
The GRATEFULNESS brings out my glow, my happy, my peace. There is not a single day that I don't think about the house full of children I wanted. I let myself mourn that dream that will never be and I respect that it's significant to me. And then I turn it into thankfulness that I have Keaton. Every single day I think about how my Keaton will not have the siblings I so desperately wanted for him and I respect that it makes me sad. And then I am grateful that he's ok anyway. He's happy, he's healthy, he's got a family that loves him and he won't know the loss that I feel for him. I mourn relationships I've lost throughout my life. Some that have left me sad and disappointed, and some that have left me relieved and better. But, I also think daily about how I would not be me without those relationships. I've learned and I am stronger. I grieve for feelings I've hurt and mistakes I've made, but by acknowledging them, it allows me to keep moving on.
You see me and you see the life I've made. You see happy pictures and hopefully the LOVE I feel for my family and friends pouring out of me. I feel so lucky. Because I DID make this life. And I am HAPPY. However, it doesn't just come easy. Because some days, my mind races with insecurities, doubt, and loss. Some days I replay over and over something I said that someone might have taken the wrong way and how I should've done or said differently. Some days these agitations that are hard to turn off come out as snippy mean remarks to Jim, or screaming explosions at my precious Keats. Some days the guilt I feel for just wanting to have 30 minutes to just lay there and not be touched and just try to calm my mind consumes me. Because I have this beautiful life that I always wanted, so why do I feel this urge to just be away from it sometimes? Why am I sometimes SO overwhelmed that my chest hurts and tears threaten to burst from my eyes? I don't have my Christmas shopping done yet. Nothing is wrapped. I haven't grocery shopped. Keats' hasn't had a bath since Monday. I pushed Bonesy off my lap yesterday because I needed to not feel trapped. There is clutter everywhere. There's a 98% possibility that I'm not going to get my Christmas cards out this year because I'm not sure I can get it done amongst the flood of other tasks running in my mind. I just have to be ok with that.
I have learned to listen to myself. It's what makes me a better woman. I have recently taught myself to acknowledge what is happening and to try to breathe through it. I acknowledge that I am feeling consumed and I just take a step back. This has helped. I show this mental pain the acknowledgement it craves, I curse it, and then I am grateful that I recognized it and made it through. I feel like it's still so taboo to talk about stuff like this. Sometimes I get really pissed over petty, stupid shit. And I cuss. Those that know me, know I like my cusses. It's part of a release for me. Sometimes I scream bad words REAL LOUD. I recognize that I need that as therapy. I think I like to call it emotional bursting. I need to let that emotional burst out. It's like relieving the pressure. I have to take a pill every day to help me manage. So what? It helps me. Some days I have to pop a Xanax to quiet my mind. It's ok. I have tried to not take medication before. I've actually gone years without it because of the shame I felt for needing it. But, in my happy place now, I see that it was a disservice to myself. It was exhausting when it didn't need to be. I should've cut myself some slack. But again, I think about it, I learned from it, and I am smarter now because in the true story of things, it's just another part of life that taught me and led me to the contentment I feel now.
I guess my point is nobody has this perfect, cookie cutter life. Definitely not me. My life is fantastic to me. I LOVE the life I am leading. Some days are harder than others, and some days require more work. I give myself grace now. I am FREE now. I hope people reading this, can find comfort in that. Everyone experiences sadness and loss. I have found for me, that acknowledging it, respecting it, and grieving it, has made me a better, truer, person. I go to the gym 5 mornings a week and sweat and push my body harder than I ever have before which is also an excellent release because it hurts so good. When my type A tries to get the best of me, I say to myself "SarBear, take a breath. It's still ok if it's not perfect.". When we are at Grandma's Christmas party in Decatur which is the 3rd night in a row we've had something to do after a full day of work and there are people everywhere, and I feel like a bad mom because I yelled at Keats not to eat a cookie off the nursing home floor, and I'm angry because they didn't have lids and straws to accommodate for me forgetting Keaton's sippy cup and then he spills his water and somehow completely drenches his shirt AND pants and then there are no extra pants in his bag, and I spend 25 minutes in Grandma's room with the blow dryer so that we can go back down to the party. And I am fighting back anxiety rage and I am breathing and I then I see how much fun Keats is having running around the room in his underwear with his cousin Pheebee, and how Phee is having just as much fun with him and how much she is helping me out just by being there to play with him. I am Grateful. I am Grateful to be able to find the joy and a reason for reflection in my weakest moments. It's about finding what works for you. For me, it all comes down to respecting my losses and in turn ALWAYS finding a way to be grateful.
As I finish this up, Keaton just brought me an avocado. I kissed him and told him thank you even though I know that in order to get it, he had to climb onto the chair and onto the table to reach it hanging from the top basket. I said "Keaton! Thank you for this avocado!" and he said "No Mommy. Das a dinosaur egg." This my darlings is JOY.
Merry Days to All!!! Happy Everything!!! Celebrate!!! Learn as you go!!! Be Thankful!!! Find Joy!!!
And p.s. You know what else I mourn? My thick, bushy, dark eyebrows I had in my younger years. You know, the ones that I plucked and plucked to get a tiny, sleek, thin brow? Yeah, I grieve those eyebrows. BUT, people, I am thankful that at least there's still something up there! Even if I do find crazy grays and have to color in a bit. :)
Every time I see your blog pop up on my feed I stop what I'm doing and read it. Keep writing. I love you and your joy you bring to everyone. xoxo
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