I've decided to write because as is usually my motivation, I need the release. There's something big coming up and I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I am rattled. I am sad. I am relieved. I am ready. But, I am emotional.
I am having a hysterectomy. On March 12th. It's my Melissa's birthday. She's my big sister who I adore. So, I can't mention the date without mentioning her sweet, tender, name, and picturing her adorable, loving face. :) So, send her Happy Birthday Wishes on March 12th! Her name is Melissa Wright. Look her up and give her the love!
To start off the whole hysterectomy, I am having a biopsy this week. If it shows cancer, then besides my uterus, ovaries, & fallopian tubes, they'll also take my lymph nodes. Biopsies make me anxious. Even though, if it's positive this time, I've already got "treatment" set up. They'll just take everything that houses it....but still it's unnerving knowing it's there. And we all know the waiting game sucks. So, I'm edgy; like I always am when it's time. I'm in a constant state of nausea-like butterflies; I am moody; I feel shaky; and I cry a lot. It's all part of it for me. It's just part of how I process. BUT- there are Silver Linings. The Silver Lining is that this will pass. The Silver Lining is that they let me wait 5 years after my diagnosis to do this when in 2013, they told me they'd give me 2. The Silver Lining is that the 5 year wait gave us our beautiful Keaton James Laning who is almost 3. The Silver Lining is that I'm here and I'm ok.
And if you know me, you know that those Silver Linings keep me positive and they keep me smiling and they are just a part of who I am. But, I'm not magical. I am human. So, there are also some dark spots. These are the things that have me anxious. For one, the part that makes me sad- like how I know that this has to be done. I know that it is the final part of this story that started with me in 2013. And I am ready for it. But, the sad part for me is that it is an ending. An ending to something I never thought I'd have to put an end to. It is final. I will not be able to give my son one of the most precious and important gifts that was given to me. The gift of siblings. The gift of future built-in best friends who are the only ones who will truly understand when he wants to complain about how annoying I'm being. The gift of another person or persons who have been with you your whole life and who are a part of your heart and soul. I wanted that for him so badly. And I tried so hard. WE tried so hard. And a part of me feels like I failed him. And a part of me feels like someday he's going to feel like I let him down. It's not pretty and it's not positive, but that's how I feel. I feel like I am letting him down. Because of what my body can't do again, he will miss out on one of the greatest experiences- the gift of brothers and sisters. And someday he's going to ask me for a brother or sister and I'll have to tell him I can't. I'll have to tell him how hard we tried. I just hope he understands. This is the hardest part for me. The finality of it. And the part of me that feels like I am giving up. But, part of me- my heart, is telling me it's time. Like it's time to do this for me because I'm exhausted. Like my doctor is pushing for "the sooner the better", and told me that it has to be done this year. So knowing that I could wait 6 months or until December if I wanted. But, I chose March. Because I am ready to be done. I am ready to be done with the worrying, with the trying, with the constant, all consuming, effort to get pregnant when it's just not something that comes naturally to my body. And it makes me feel selfish. But I am also strong and powerful. Because I CAN make this decision. And because this decision that I am getting to make for myself on my own time is a gift that not everyone who has been haunted by the "c" word gets to make. Doing this, will lighten me from a heavy burden that I've been carrying for years. And by removing such a weighted load from my shoulders, I will in turn be a better wife, mommy, and woman. I know this. Because just making the decision felt like an exhale that I didn't realize I was holding in. Hence the fucking emotions that are hard to get ahold of. Like relief, but also grief. Like a smile, but also a wince. Like dropping the hardest thing I've held onto, but feeling sad that I'm letting it go, and then feeling good when it hits the ground, but then also feeling guilty that it broke when it hit, but then feeling like part of me is whole again because it IS broken and I'm not going to pick it up because I've made it final and the surgery is scheduled and I have to be done for me. So, needless to say, my mind is busy and I would probably benefit from some Xanax. Kidding. Not kidding.
I chose March because it's a good time for me emotionally and it also fits in with good timing for work (if there is such a thing). I knew it would have to be done this year and so I was preparing myself for it and then I got a new job. And that adds extra worry because I'll be out for so much longer than I expected. And that's not ideal when you haven't even been at your new job for 6 months even. But, can I tell you how fantastic my ISU family is being? So supportive. So understanding. I'm sure part of them is bummed because they hired to me lighten their load and now I'm going to be gone for 4 weeks to recover. Gah. It's killing me because I feel like I'm letting them down. But not a single one of them has made me feel that way. It's purely ME just feeling that way. Heidi, Amy, Bethany, if you're reading this, thank you for being so supportive and understanding. I appreciate you very, very much for not making me feel like an asshole. And for asking me how I'm doing and for telling me to take the time and recover and to not think about it anymore. Thank you. It's extremely comforting. Thank you.
I thought I'd be out of work and recovering for 2 weeks and then I'd go back to my regular activities and schedule. Wrong. 4 weeks minimum. How will I care for my baby? This puts a lot of stress on my Lovey who will pretty much be doing EVERYTHING for 4 weeks. How will he get a break while I'm laying around doing nothing? Here comes the part where he's perfect again. He has been here for me for 17 years. And when the going got really tough 5 years ago. He was here for me. EVERY. SINGLE. BREATH. AND. BEAT. He did not complain. He was my brave, my support, my shoulder, my man, my man, my man. What a man he is. So, I know he is here for this and he is present and he'll do what he does so awesomely which is be a good fucking man. Oh, he is such a GOOD man. I don't just love him. I like him. Because he is GOOD. He loves me. He loves me. And yes, I say this a lot and it seems dumb and cheesy. But to me, showing love means saying it and writing it and praising it. I have a good love. And I need it to be documented so that he can read this whenever he needs to. Lovey, I will always love you. And I will always be grateful for you and your heart. And I will never stop making sure you know that. ...please remember this after my surgery when I will be suddenly in menopause and going through hormone therapy and more than likely will be a monster. Through that know that I love you. :) Is that comforting? Hopefully! People, he's probably legit worried!
I look at Keaton and see what we made. With a little help, but we made him. He is us. I have never been more proud of anything I've done. And I did a great job. I have a hard time giving myself credit, but, I am not humble about how perfectly I made him. I loved every second of growing him. Even when I was nauseous and tired...I loved it. Because it meant my body was finally doing something right. I was finally doing what I was meant to do. And now he's almost 3, and he's adorable, and funny, and charming, and challenging, and silly, and loving, and playful, and demanding, and he's everything I dreamed about when I always dreamed about being a mommy. I will always be so proud. So proud of my son. I'll brag on him and gush about him until the end of my time. Seeing how amazing he is, is one of the reasons it's so hard for me to realize that I won't be able to have another baby. But, it's ok, because I got it right the first time with him.
So ACCEPT. Accept is my word for 2018. My supervisor Heidi, came in shortly after we came back to work in the new year and asked what our word for the year was. And I didn't know. I didn't even know having a word of the year was a thing. But I actually did know my word. It came to me pretty quickly. It's Accept. I am going to Accept this year. I Accept that this is what is right for me and my family. I accept that this is the decision that Jim and I have made. And I Accept that this is the ending of the scariest, most enlightening, most rewarding, most painful, and most truth provoking journey I have been on. I Accept that a new story starts soon. I Accept that I am who I am and I will feel how I will feel. I Accept the start of what's to come.
This post is the truth about how I feel. It's hard to say the truth, which is why I do better with writing it. It's a lot. I obviously can't pinpoint it to one reaction. I am an emotional, sensitive, but I like to think tough woman. My truth is the mixed bag of feelings I've shared with you here. It's part positive and part not; but it's my truth. And I Accept my truth.
I am having a hysterectomy. On March 12th. It's my Melissa's birthday. She's my big sister who I adore. So, I can't mention the date without mentioning her sweet, tender, name, and picturing her adorable, loving face. :) So, send her Happy Birthday Wishes on March 12th! Her name is Melissa Wright. Look her up and give her the love!
To start off the whole hysterectomy, I am having a biopsy this week. If it shows cancer, then besides my uterus, ovaries, & fallopian tubes, they'll also take my lymph nodes. Biopsies make me anxious. Even though, if it's positive this time, I've already got "treatment" set up. They'll just take everything that houses it....but still it's unnerving knowing it's there. And we all know the waiting game sucks. So, I'm edgy; like I always am when it's time. I'm in a constant state of nausea-like butterflies; I am moody; I feel shaky; and I cry a lot. It's all part of it for me. It's just part of how I process. BUT- there are Silver Linings. The Silver Lining is that this will pass. The Silver Lining is that they let me wait 5 years after my diagnosis to do this when in 2013, they told me they'd give me 2. The Silver Lining is that the 5 year wait gave us our beautiful Keaton James Laning who is almost 3. The Silver Lining is that I'm here and I'm ok.
And if you know me, you know that those Silver Linings keep me positive and they keep me smiling and they are just a part of who I am. But, I'm not magical. I am human. So, there are also some dark spots. These are the things that have me anxious. For one, the part that makes me sad- like how I know that this has to be done. I know that it is the final part of this story that started with me in 2013. And I am ready for it. But, the sad part for me is that it is an ending. An ending to something I never thought I'd have to put an end to. It is final. I will not be able to give my son one of the most precious and important gifts that was given to me. The gift of siblings. The gift of future built-in best friends who are the only ones who will truly understand when he wants to complain about how annoying I'm being. The gift of another person or persons who have been with you your whole life and who are a part of your heart and soul. I wanted that for him so badly. And I tried so hard. WE tried so hard. And a part of me feels like I failed him. And a part of me feels like someday he's going to feel like I let him down. It's not pretty and it's not positive, but that's how I feel. I feel like I am letting him down. Because of what my body can't do again, he will miss out on one of the greatest experiences- the gift of brothers and sisters. And someday he's going to ask me for a brother or sister and I'll have to tell him I can't. I'll have to tell him how hard we tried. I just hope he understands. This is the hardest part for me. The finality of it. And the part of me that feels like I am giving up. But, part of me- my heart, is telling me it's time. Like it's time to do this for me because I'm exhausted. Like my doctor is pushing for "the sooner the better", and told me that it has to be done this year. So knowing that I could wait 6 months or until December if I wanted. But, I chose March. Because I am ready to be done. I am ready to be done with the worrying, with the trying, with the constant, all consuming, effort to get pregnant when it's just not something that comes naturally to my body. And it makes me feel selfish. But I am also strong and powerful. Because I CAN make this decision. And because this decision that I am getting to make for myself on my own time is a gift that not everyone who has been haunted by the "c" word gets to make. Doing this, will lighten me from a heavy burden that I've been carrying for years. And by removing such a weighted load from my shoulders, I will in turn be a better wife, mommy, and woman. I know this. Because just making the decision felt like an exhale that I didn't realize I was holding in. Hence the fucking emotions that are hard to get ahold of. Like relief, but also grief. Like a smile, but also a wince. Like dropping the hardest thing I've held onto, but feeling sad that I'm letting it go, and then feeling good when it hits the ground, but then also feeling guilty that it broke when it hit, but then feeling like part of me is whole again because it IS broken and I'm not going to pick it up because I've made it final and the surgery is scheduled and I have to be done for me. So, needless to say, my mind is busy and I would probably benefit from some Xanax. Kidding. Not kidding.
I chose March because it's a good time for me emotionally and it also fits in with good timing for work (if there is such a thing). I knew it would have to be done this year and so I was preparing myself for it and then I got a new job. And that adds extra worry because I'll be out for so much longer than I expected. And that's not ideal when you haven't even been at your new job for 6 months even. But, can I tell you how fantastic my ISU family is being? So supportive. So understanding. I'm sure part of them is bummed because they hired to me lighten their load and now I'm going to be gone for 4 weeks to recover. Gah. It's killing me because I feel like I'm letting them down. But not a single one of them has made me feel that way. It's purely ME just feeling that way. Heidi, Amy, Bethany, if you're reading this, thank you for being so supportive and understanding. I appreciate you very, very much for not making me feel like an asshole. And for asking me how I'm doing and for telling me to take the time and recover and to not think about it anymore. Thank you. It's extremely comforting. Thank you.
I thought I'd be out of work and recovering for 2 weeks and then I'd go back to my regular activities and schedule. Wrong. 4 weeks minimum. How will I care for my baby? This puts a lot of stress on my Lovey who will pretty much be doing EVERYTHING for 4 weeks. How will he get a break while I'm laying around doing nothing? Here comes the part where he's perfect again. He has been here for me for 17 years. And when the going got really tough 5 years ago. He was here for me. EVERY. SINGLE. BREATH. AND. BEAT. He did not complain. He was my brave, my support, my shoulder, my man, my man, my man. What a man he is. So, I know he is here for this and he is present and he'll do what he does so awesomely which is be a good fucking man. Oh, he is such a GOOD man. I don't just love him. I like him. Because he is GOOD. He loves me. He loves me. And yes, I say this a lot and it seems dumb and cheesy. But to me, showing love means saying it and writing it and praising it. I have a good love. And I need it to be documented so that he can read this whenever he needs to. Lovey, I will always love you. And I will always be grateful for you and your heart. And I will never stop making sure you know that. ...please remember this after my surgery when I will be suddenly in menopause and going through hormone therapy and more than likely will be a monster. Through that know that I love you. :) Is that comforting? Hopefully! People, he's probably legit worried!
I look at Keaton and see what we made. With a little help, but we made him. He is us. I have never been more proud of anything I've done. And I did a great job. I have a hard time giving myself credit, but, I am not humble about how perfectly I made him. I loved every second of growing him. Even when I was nauseous and tired...I loved it. Because it meant my body was finally doing something right. I was finally doing what I was meant to do. And now he's almost 3, and he's adorable, and funny, and charming, and challenging, and silly, and loving, and playful, and demanding, and he's everything I dreamed about when I always dreamed about being a mommy. I will always be so proud. So proud of my son. I'll brag on him and gush about him until the end of my time. Seeing how amazing he is, is one of the reasons it's so hard for me to realize that I won't be able to have another baby. But, it's ok, because I got it right the first time with him.
So ACCEPT. Accept is my word for 2018. My supervisor Heidi, came in shortly after we came back to work in the new year and asked what our word for the year was. And I didn't know. I didn't even know having a word of the year was a thing. But I actually did know my word. It came to me pretty quickly. It's Accept. I am going to Accept this year. I Accept that this is what is right for me and my family. I accept that this is the decision that Jim and I have made. And I Accept that this is the ending of the scariest, most enlightening, most rewarding, most painful, and most truth provoking journey I have been on. I Accept that a new story starts soon. I Accept that I am who I am and I will feel how I will feel. I Accept the start of what's to come.
This post is the truth about how I feel. It's hard to say the truth, which is why I do better with writing it. It's a lot. I obviously can't pinpoint it to one reaction. I am an emotional, sensitive, but I like to think tough woman. My truth is the mixed bag of feelings I've shared with you here. It's part positive and part not; but it's my truth. And I Accept my truth.
And be sure to ACCEPT all the LOVE radiating to you from your readers and the universe! You're in my heart, dear one!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I can't see who you are, but thank you so very much for these positive, kind words!
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