My first hate mail.

Today I received my first hate mail.  It came to my home address and as you can see is not signed, nor did it have a return address.  I read it and felt like throwing up.  

 The feeling that I hurt people literally makes me sick to my stomach.  And the fact that I was called a fake felt like a punch in the gut...because this blog was something I started so that I could feel more real and honest.  My biggest fear was that people wouldn't want to read about my life, so that line hurt.  So, to whoever wrote me this letter, (and I know you'll see this, because I know you're still reading my blog because as my sister said, you are thirsty for my life), I think you accomplished your mission.  You made me feel really shitty.  And I cried as my perfect husband consoled me (thank you for that shout out to him by the way).  So, now that I got that out of the way and am feeling better, I'm going to write about it; because as you know from reading my blog, writing is my therapy, and my best stuff comes to me when I am FEELING.

The thing is, if you read my previous blog that this anonymous writer is actually criticizing me for, you'll see that I said that leaving had everything to do with me.  I talk about the great friendships I made, some policy changes, the need to want to help people and yes, I mention in a few lines the fact that I sometimes felt like a therapist.   I can see where my words could be hurtful.  That was never my intention.  I just wanted to be honest and real. And I did think about the fact that maybe some readers might not like what I wrote, but to remain truthful, I kept it in there because I hoped that those who really know me, would understand my feelings and those other real and honest people would know I wasn't writing about them...  And I do actually keep a journal.  I have 3 as a matter of fact: in one, I keep all the cute, and hilarious things Keats says, another is  a 10 year journal that I write in every day, just a few lines about each day,  and I have Emotional journal that I started in 2013 after my diagnosis, that I still use today for my big feels; yet I also blog about my life, because a part of my journey is being vulnerable and sharing who I am.  I wanted to express my feelings about such a huge part of my life.  I could've mentioned names, but I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings.  I would hope that the friends that I made that I truly miss and cherish would know that my sentiments were not about them.  This letter does even further reiterate why I felt it necessary for my own happiness to leave there.  Because I was obviously working with someone who feels this way.  Part of my reason for leaving my former job was to get away from this shit, yet here it is, coming to my house, trying to create drama, and steal my joy, and I don't even work there anymore.  

I care deeply.  I care deeply that I've hurt someone to the point that they deemed this mean spirited letter necessary.  I will not apologize for my blog though.  It is my choice to write it, just as  it's your choice to read it. I know that exposing myself in this personal way means that I will take some hits along the way.  I understand that not everyone is going to care about my writings.  This first hate mail was quite a blow, but the Silver Lining is that at least people are reading my stuff right?  :)  

I was introduced to the blog of an inspiring woman named Brené Brown. Check out her website, she's honest, real, funny, and is doing great big things! http://brenebrown.com/ My new boss actually introduced me to her during my interview and last week she loaned me a book by her called "Daring Greatly".  I am loving every word of it I get to read between my duties as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, and  when I'm not too exhausted from the insane amount of new information I'm taking it at my new job every day.  :)  It's all about being vulnerable, and trying to let go of the shame we feel.  It has made me proud of this blog, proud of how I have put my feelings out here for you.  And to the writer of the letter above, I thank you for your feedback.  You have made me a bit tougher than I was before and have prepared me a bit for what I'm sure there will be more of after I achieve my ultimate goal of writing a book.  

I will leave you, my readers with an excerpt from Brené Brown's Daring Greatly (Chapter 3, pg, 67):

"Like Roosevelt advised, when we dare greatly, we will err and we will come up short again and again.  There will be failures and mistakes and criticism.  If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy.  If we do, we'll never show up and try again."       

I had actually written this quote down last week in my notebook because it just had so much meaning to me as I was reading it.  Today, it inspires me and helps me get past a difficult experience and my hurt feelings.  So I will show up and I will try again.  I would be honored if you keep reading my words.

~Sarah B Happy Laning~