Making It As Me

It's Christmas time and my mind's all aflutter.  I LOVE this time of year.  The magic.  The excitement through my son's eyes.  The soothing glow of the lights that is so comforting when you turn off all the  other lights except for those on the tree and mantle.  The wood stacked next to the fireplace.  The warmth of that fire that my husband lights whenever I request it.  It's truly magic.  I used to dread it.  I used to feel like I was never enough, like I never had enough to give, like the pressure of the season was going to force me to implode.   I am so grateful that I'm not there anymore.  That I can appreciate now what seemed like too much in the past.  This write is about how I learned, and am still learning to manage the doubt, loss, and pressure inside of me.  These are not the most up-lifting things, but they are a part of me and I think it's important to share.  Because I am happy.  I am co...

I've told you, on January 25, 2013, I "received" (was blindsided) by my stage 1 uterine cancer diagnosis.  I was wearing this sweater shirt that I really liked.  It was bright yellow with navy blue cuffs, collar, and stripes.  It was comfy, and sunshiny, and I loved it.  And I know it's stupid, but after that, I had a negative feeling towards that sweater shirt.  I still wore it, but it was always in my head, this is the shirt I was wearing when my life shifted.      On January 30, 2013, I started my cancer meds.  On February 6th, 2013, I met my oncologist who was in St. Louis.  I was wearing THE sweater shirt that made me feel positive because it was yellow and sunshiny.  And here is what I wrote in my journal on 2/6/13:  "StL was exhausting, but we got great news!  The cancer has not spread and is out of my body for now! We will continue with the plan.  Got back home and little after 6 and relaxed.  Huge weig...

Yeah, I did.  It's true. I didn't know it was Thursday. My husband referenced a "Thursday thing" in a text to me just now and my response was "Oh, ok!  I forgot it was Thursday. #lazybumprobs."   I am now 10 days post surgery and I can't keep the days straight because mostly all I've done in these past 10 days is sleep, rest, read, watch movies, read, read, sleep, write and watch TV.  Also, I only use "hashtags" when I am trying to be funny.  I'm too old to really get them.  I mostly use them with my sisters who find them equally as stupid as I do. As most of you know if you've read my previous blog, I had a full abdominal hysterectomy on March 12th.  I am now shy a uterus, a cervix, and a pair of fallopian tubes and ovaries.  I've gained an 8-9 inch (I'm poorly estimating here because I'm very terrible at measurements) incision across my lower belly.  It stings and it burns and it's held together by stitches on the...

I've decided to write because as is usually my motivation, I need the release.  There's something big coming up and I am anxious.  I am overwhelmed.  I am rattled.  I am sad.  I am relieved.  I am ready.  But, I am emotional.  I am having a hysterectomy.  On March 12th.  It's my Melissa's birthday.  She's my big sister who I adore.  So, I can't mention the date without mentioning her sweet, tender, name, and picturing her adorable, loving face.  :)  So, send her Happy Birthday Wishes on March 12th!  Her name is Melissa Wright.  Look her up and give her the love! To start off the whole hysterectomy, I am having a biopsy this week.  If it shows cancer, then besides my uterus, ovaries, & fallopian tubes, they'll also take my lymph nodes.  Biopsies make me anxious.  Even though, if it's positive this time, I've already got "treatment" set up. They'll just take everything that houses it.......