Making It As Me

This day has been shit.  I've been trying to make the best of it, but it's just been shit.  I woke up after what felt like a full night of sleep at 11:53 pm.  I'd been asleep for 2 hours.  Keats was asleep on top of me.  My eyeballs were so dry that it was painful.  I took Keaton to his own bed and fell back asleep.  I dreamed about my Grandpa who died 4 years ago for what felt like hours.  And usually when I see him in my sleep, it is happy, and calming, and I wake up grateful to have spent the time with him.  Last night it wasn't like that.  I dreamt of his death.  My mind made up things that didn't really happen and I woke up at 2:24 am stressed out and anxiety ridden.  My whole body was tense.  And I've been rattled all day since.  My work was cancelled today on account of the weather.  I had plans to sleep in, and write, and read, and nap.  I woke up a bit after 5 am because Keaton was crying and coughing from his room.  I went to see what was going on an

It's Christmas time and my mind's all aflutter.  I LOVE this time of year.  The magic.  The excitement through my son's eyes.  The soothing glow of the lights that is so comforting when you turn off all the  other lights except for those on the tree and mantle.  The wood stacked next to the fireplace.  The warmth of that fire that my husband lights whenever I request it.  It's truly magic.  I used to dread it.  I used to feel like I was never enough, like I never had enough to give, like the pressure of the season was going to force me to implode.   I am so grateful that I'm not there anymore.  That I can appreciate now what seemed like too much in the past.  This write is about how I learned, and am still learning to manage the doubt, loss, and pressure inside of me.  These are not the most up-lifting things, but they are a part of me and I think it's important to share.  Because I am happy.  I am content.  I like to let my light shine.  But these positive fe

I've told you, on January 25, 2013, I "received" (was blindsided) by my stage 1 uterine cancer diagnosis.  I was wearing this sweater shirt that I really liked.  It was bright yellow with navy blue cuffs, collar, and stripes.  It was comfy, and sunshiny, and I loved it.  And I know it's stupid, but after that, I had a negative feeling towards that sweater shirt.  I still wore it, but it was always in my head, this is the shirt I was wearing when my life shifted.      On January 30, 2013, I started my cancer meds.  On February 6th, 2013, I met my oncologist who was in St. Louis.  I was wearing THE sweater shirt that made me feel positive because it was yellow and sunshiny.  And here is what I wrote in my journal on 2/6/13:  "StL was exhausting, but we got great news!  The cancer has not spread and is out of my body for now! We will continue with the plan.  Got back home and little after 6 and relaxed.  Huge weight lifted!"  Besides family and Cricket,  I

Yeah, I did.  It's true. I didn't know it was Thursday. My husband referenced a "Thursday thing" in a text to me just now and my response was "Oh, ok!  I forgot it was Thursday. #lazybumprobs."   I am now 10 days post surgery and I can't keep the days straight because mostly all I've done in these past 10 days is sleep, rest, read, watch movies, read, read, sleep, write and watch TV.  Also, I only use "hashtags" when I am trying to be funny.  I'm too old to really get them.  I mostly use them with my sisters who find them equally as stupid as I do. As most of you know if you've read my previous blog, I had a full abdominal hysterectomy on March 12th.  I am now shy a uterus, a cervix, and a pair of fallopian tubes and ovaries.  I've gained an 8-9 inch (I'm poorly estimating here because I'm very terrible at measurements) incision across my lower belly.  It stings and it burns and it's held together by stitches on the

I've decided to write because as is usually my motivation, I need the release.  There's something big coming up and I am anxious.  I am overwhelmed.  I am rattled.  I am sad.  I am relieved.  I am ready.  But, I am emotional.  I am having a hysterectomy.  On March 12th.  It's my Melissa's birthday.  She's my big sister who I adore.  So, I can't mention the date without mentioning her sweet, tender, name, and picturing her adorable, loving face.  :)  So, send her Happy Birthday Wishes on March 12th!  Her name is Melissa Wright.  Look her up and give her the love! To start off the whole hysterectomy, I am having a biopsy this week.  If it shows cancer, then besides my uterus, ovaries, & fallopian tubes, they'll also take my lymph nodes.  Biopsies make me anxious.  Even though, if it's positive this time, I've already got "treatment" set up. They'll just take everything that houses it....but still it's unnerving knowing it'

 Our friends know about The Snowdog.  When we reference the Snowdog, you know that Jim spoke of him with love and I spoke of him with disdain.  The Snowdog is a 1997 Nissan Maxima, pictured on the left with my handsome, perfect, Lovey.  He was riddled with rust spots; He was missing logos; And worst of all, he had an exhaust system so loud that it was impossible to have a conversation while riding in him, and even more impossible to go unnoticed while driving him...rust spots and all.  Which is why I didn't have the nicest things to say about Jim's sweet Snowdog.  But, we have history with that stupid car too.  Jim bought him in 2001 when we first started dating.  I didn't have a working car at the time, so we kind of shared the Snowdog.  You know, back then, it was only a 4 year old car and it was the nicest car my Lovey had ever owned. And it was super sweet of him to let me drive around town in it after I dropped him off at work.   He was very protective of him, so

Today I received my first hate mail.  It came to my home address and as you can see is not signed, nor did it have a return address.  I read it and felt like throwing up.    The feeling that I hurt people literally makes me sick to my stomach.  And the fact that I was called a fake felt like a punch in the gut...because this blog was something I started so that I could feel more real and honest.  My biggest fear was that people wouldn't want to read about my life, so that line hurt.  So, to whoever wrote me this letter, (and I know you'll see this, because I know you're still reading my blog because as my sister said, you are thirsty for my life), I think you accomplished your mission.  You made me feel really shitty.  And I cried as my perfect husband consoled me (thank you for that shout out to him by the way).  So, now that I got that out of the way and am feeling better, I'm going to write about it; because as you know from reading my blog, writing is my th

I will be starting my new position as a Medical Office Assistant for the Eckelmann-Taylor Speech & Hearing Clinic at ISU on Wednesday.  I am excited and nervous and smiling and filled with optimism about this new career!  I'd been at my current job for 9 years this time and 6 years before that.  So, all together, I spent 15 years with a company that was just what I needed for about 14 of those years.  My co-workers became a 2nd family, and the friendly, and close atmosphere that comes from a small business really shined through.  They cared when I went through some of my hardest times, and they rejoiced when I went through my best times.  People change.  I changed. Naturally, things will change.     Though it is not always easy,sometimes moving on from something that doesn't feel healthy and bring you joy anymore is imperative to your emotional happiness.  I will be starting a new job in a new field in a couple of days and I can say with confidence and excitement that I